As I sit here on the eve of my twentieth birthday I realize that it’s nearly impossible to force life to be exactly the way you’d always envisioned. As an early teen I always thought of what I would do for a living in broad and idealistic terms that left much of the in-between completely blank. Yes, I had grand plans of being a baseball player or a graphic designer, but I lacked a mature understanding of just what it takes to achieve these feats. In hindsight, it wasn’t the ease of my upbringing that made me so unnecessarily optimistic; in retrospect it seems to mostly come down to the fact that I never had any real hardships to overcome. Yes, I’ve been heckled for my height and other oddities about me, but who doesn’t have some sense of self-conscious subjectivity? I never had the alcoholic stepfather, and my family never had any true monetary issues. The only issues I ever caught wind of were the rebellious years of my sisters whose only real faults during that time consisted of the all too typical phase of drug use. This lack of conflict makes me feel a bit shamed for the amount of self-pity and apathy that I exude in my thoughts.
Lately it seems as if my view of reality is becoming increasingly more and more shrouded by the fears of what could be and what is. I’m starting to understand that, for the most part, the paranoia that rests in the back of almost every individuals mind is usually based off of some type of realistic expectation. Not to sound too grim, but my thoughts seem to be almost wholly polarized by moments of pure, blissful ignorance and those of complete and utter pessimism. This pessimism always leads to the same, isolated thought process that leaves me yearning for socialization. Despite how detached I feel roughly half the time, I realize that I am certainly not alone in these thoughts and this type of internal strife. On an almost daily basis I see the same sentiment all around me. A majority of people I know are unsettlingly easy to read, and even the ones that do everything they can to mask it with a false ego fail to fully cover themselves.
On certain occasions I will come across someone who, for the most part, seems to be at some type of crossroads that balances personal-motivation and self-actualization. This type of person usually maintains a relatively consistent positive vibe on a day to day basis regardless of what challenges they may be facing. These are the people that give me a palpable sense of hope that one day I can also settle at this crossroad so that I can lay my personal issues to rest. Until then, I know that things will not be easy, but despite everything that I imagine is working against me I know I need to keep a positive mindset.